My
Philosophy
If you’ve found your way here, chances are you’re knee-deep in conflict with your kids. Some days, it feels like the tension starts before breakfast and doesn’t let up till bedtime. You’ve tried consequences. You’ve tried staying calm. You’ve tried being the “nice” parent and the “firm” parent.
Still, the nagging, the sneaking, the avoiding, the yelling… it just keeps happening.
You’re tired of feeling like a police officer, a pushover, or both in the same afternoon.
You long for something more sustainable — more human. More connected.
You want peace in your home, not just silence.
You want your kid to trust you — not just obey you.
You want to stop feeling like every day is a test of whether you’re “doing parenting right.”
Here’s my hunch about the main reason you’re struggling.
Power-over parenting creates its own weather.
Because the biggest source of family conflict is this:
Parents make decisions for their children instead of with them.
It happens all the time — without us even realizing it. We set the rules, call the shots, and make the decisions. Maybe gently, maybe firmly — but always from a place of “I know best.”
Anytime a decision is made for someone instead of with them — it creates mistrust, even when we have the best of intentions.
And it can lead to a storm of resentment, rebellion, and rupture.
It sends a loud and clear message: “Your perspective doesn’t matter.”
And that breaks trust — fast.
Unfortunately, once trust is broken, connection breaks too.
And without connection, cooperation and collaboration don’t stand a chance.
Even the most “reasonable” requests will be met with resistance, resentment, or retreat.
You can get compliance, maybe — but at the cost of connection.
Do you want to send a child out into the world who has learned to comply with other people’s wishes regardless of what they care about?
Or do you want your child to know how to advocate for their own needs while also holding other people’s needs with care to create solutions that work for all?
Here’s what else happens when we make power-over decisions:
- We miss critical information. Our kids know things we don’t — about how they’re feeling, what’s going on in their world, and what they actually need. When we skip the conversation, we make decisions without a big chunk of key data that will likely result in a solution that doesn’t work for us either.
- We create more resistance. Even if a decision technically meets a child’s needs, they’ll likely resist it if they had no say in it. Why? Because choice, power, and autonomy aren’t nice-to-haves — they’re human needs that are just as real at age five as they are at forty-five or eighty-five.
- We unintentionally teach them that their voice doesn’t matter. And when that message gets repeated? They are likely to stop sharing what’s important to them. Sometimes they start sneaking. They dig in their heels and say “no” automatically — because they’ve learned their “yes” was never really invited.
But here’s the thing: you’re probably not doing this because you don’t care.
You’re probably doing this because you care so much.
I’m guessing that you love your kids. Fiercely. You want them to thrive. And you want to have peace of mind that you’re doing everything you can to contribute to that.
Are you scanning your home like it’s a minefield, watching for signs that something’s off? And when your child refuses to do their chores, lashes out, or lies, does that voice inside you whisper: I’m failing?
When a person is scared of failing, it’s almost impossible to act from a place of trust.
Many parents respond by clamping down harder, controlling more tightly, insisting on their authority. But that’s also where the conflict takes root.
They’re caught in a loop.
The harder things get, the more fear creeps in.
That fear drives them to take more control, to make faster decisions, to hold firmer boundaries. But their child reacts not just to the rule — but to the way it was made.
Not because your child is difficult — but because your child is human.
They feel dismissed. Disempowered.
And they start to withdraw or rebel, confirming the parent’s fear all over again.
Many parents are following a faulty script
Our society celebrates parental control and pathologizes kids’ resistance. And you’ve probably been told over and over again that being a good parent means being in control. That kids will take a mile if you give an inch. That your job is to enforce boundaries, no matter what. That consistency means never wavering — even when your child tells you — loud and clear — that your approach doesn’t work for them. And you’ve probably also heard the softer messages, too:
- “Be gentle — but still hold the line.”
- “Let them cry, but don’t change your decision.”
- “They’re just a good kid having a hard time — but don’t give in.”
All of these maxims are still rooted in a power-over model.
Parents are still making the decision for them.
They’re just being “nicer” about it.
And the problem with that?
The kid still feels powerless.
Still feels like their voice doesn’t count.
Still learns that the parent gets to decide what matters — and they don’t.
That’s probably why it’s not working a lot of the time.
Because what’s missing in these solutions is a genuine power-with approach.
Parents who continue down this path are likely to have adversarial relationships with their kids now and into the future.
But when we…
- Have empathy for ourselves so we can listen without letting go of what matters to us
- Advocate for our own needs
- Welcome our children’s needs with curiosity
- And co-create agreements that everyone can live with
The likely result?
- More trust
- More cooperation
- More peace
- And a family culture where everyone knows they matter
- Everyone getting more skilled at problem solving and collaboration
Whether or not you choose to work with me, here’s how I recommend building trusting family relationships with far less conflict.
- Map the Gap (Between Your Conflicts and Your Vision).
Take inventory of recurring conflicts. Then, name your vision — for yourself, your child, and your family. Vision is motivating. It grounds the process in purpose. - Solidify a Conflict Navigation System.
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we handle it. Power-with approaches make sure no one is left behind. - Integrate Inner Conflicts.
Often, our stuck patterns come from old stories or beliefs. When we uncover them, we’re free to respond with presence instead of reactivity. - Repair Ruptures.
True repair begins when we recognize our role in the conflict and return with curiosity, not control. From there, trust rebuilds quickly. - Forge New Agreements.
Collaboratively created, visible agreements reinforce your family’s values — and keep everyone moving forward together.
Once again, the biggest source of family conflict is parents making decisions for their children rather than with their children.
If you’re ready to stop trying to manage your child’s behavior, start building a relationship that’s based on trust and collaboration, and enjoy far less conflict — you’re in a place that supports people doing that.
Let’s build that bridge together.
Get started with the Screen Time Agreements That Stick Kit
Screens are the source of so many family conflicts because they’re so prevalent and so scary to parents. Learn the common pitfalls that lead to power struggles, the surprising misconception that parents and children have that’s creating most of the struggles, new ways to navigate common pitfalls that harness parent’s fears and children’s intrinsic motivation to make healthy choices for themselves, to built robust agreements that don’t require enforcement — which is exhausting. And the method can be used with all sorts of other areas of conflict — chores, school assignments, and bedtime.
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Whether you need one session to untangle a tricky situation, or a plan for lasting change, I’m here.
Acknowledgements
My philosophy is based on and inspired by the teachings of Marshall Rosenberg, Miki Kashtan, and Inbal Kashtan.