Why Conflicts Happen

Collaborative Communication is based on the premise that human beings of all ages have a lot in common. We all have the same needs even if we have different ways of meeting them. A need is something that’s important to me that’s also important to you and everyone else.

Some of those needs are physical, like the need for air, water and food.

Some of those needs are about finding meaning, like the need for learning. We also have needs for freedom, like the need for autonomy and choice and needs for connection, like the need to be heard, to be understood and to belong.

Our needs are never in conflict.

For example, my need for food is never in conflict with your need for food.

It’s the strategies that we use to meet those needs that are in conflict.

Scenario: There’s only one chocolate chip cookie.

Brother: “I want it.” 

Sister: “No. I want it!”

Brother and sister are both strongly attached to their strategy to eat the last chocolate chip cookie. The more Brother tries to get Sister to let go of her strategy, the harder she resists. And vice versa.

The only way to resolve this conflict is to invite them to get in touch with the need that they have in common.

Dad: “It sounds like both of you are hungry for something that’s fun to eat. How about you split the cookie and also have some apple and peanut butter?”

In this scenario, Dad is outside the conflict so it’s relatively easy for him to help resolve it. All he does is guess what needs they’re trying to meet – food and fun – and proposes a new strategy that works for both of them.

Things get more complicated when we’re a part of the conflict because we’re usually attached to the strategy we came up with to meet our needs.

In order to be able to even imagine that other strategies are possible, we need empathy.

Empathy helps us speak our truth with care to ourselves.

Empathy is an acknowledgment of needs and feelings. It is the balm we need when we’re worried those needs won’t be met.

We can give empathy to ourselves or we can receive it from others.

Once we’ve gotten empathy, we’re usually happy to consider other strategies, sometimes we can even simply let go of our strategy. We can still remain committed to meeting the needs underneath that strategy.

Then, we connect with the other people involved in the conflict, figure out what needs are important to them, and co-create an alternate strategy that meets everyone’s needs and leads to win/win outcomes.

This is how to transform a conflict into a dilemma.

Why Conflicts Happen

Collaborative Communication is based on the premise that human beings of all ages have a lot in common. We all have the same needs even if we have different ways of meeting them. A need is something that’s important to me that’s also important to you and everyone else.

Some of those needs are physical, like the need for air, water and food.

Some of those needs are about finding meaning, like the need for learning. We also have needs for freedom, like the need for autonomy and choice and needs for connection, like the need to be heard, to be understood and to belong.

Our needs are never in conflict.

For example, my need for food is never in conflict with your need for food.

It’s the strategies that we use to meet those needs that are in conflict.

Scenario: There’s only one chocolate chip cookie.

Brother: “I want it.” 

Sister: “No. I want it!”

Brother and sister are both strongly attached to their strategy to eat the last chocolate chip cookie. The more Brother tries to get Sister to let go of her strategy, the harder she resists. And vice versa.

The only way to resolve this conflict is to invite them to get in touch with the need that they have in common.

Dad: “It sounds like both of you are hungry for something that’s fun to eat. How about you split the cookie and also have some apple and peanut butter?”

In this scenario, Dad is outside the conflict so it’s relatively easy for him to help resolve it. All he does is guess what needs they’re trying to meet – food and fun – and proposes a new strategy that works for both of them.

Things get more complicated when we’re a part of the conflict because we’re usually attached to the strategy we came up with to meet our needs.

In order to be able to even imagine that other strategies are possible, we need empathy.

Empathy helps us speak our truth with care to ourselves.

Empathy is an acknowledgment of needs and feelings. It is the balm we need when we’re worried those needs won’t be met.

We can give empathy to ourselves or we can receive it from others.

Once we’ve gotten empathy, we’re usually happy to consider other strategies, sometimes we can even simply let go of our strategy. We can still remain committed to meeting the needs underneath that strategy.

Then, we connect with the other people involved in the conflict, figure out what needs are important to them, and co-create an alternate strategy that meets everyone’s needs and leads to win/win outcomes.

This is how to transform a conflict into a dilemma.

Why Conflicts Happen

Collaborative Communication is based on the premise that human beings of all ages have a lot in common. We all have the same needs even if we have different ways of meeting them. A need is something that’s important to me that’s also important to you and everyone else.

Some of those needs are physical, like the need for air, water and food.

Some of those needs are about finding meaning, like the need for learning. We also have needs for freedom, like the need for autonomy and choice and needs for connection, like the need to be heard, to be understood and to belong.

Our needs are never in conflict.

For example, my need for food is never in conflict with your need for food.

It’s the strategies that we use to meet those needs that are in conflict.

Scenario: There’s only one chocolate chip cookie.

Brother: “I want it.” 

Sister: “No. I want it!”

Brother and sister are both strongly attached to their strategy to eat the last chocolate chip cookie. The more Brother tries to get Sister to let go of her strategy, the harder she resists. And vice versa.

The only way to resolve this conflict is to invite them to get in touch with the need that they have in common.

Dad: “It sounds like both of you are hungry for something that’s fun to eat. How about you split the cookie and also have some apple and peanut butter?”

In this scenario, Dad is outside the conflict so it’s relatively easy for him to help resolve it. All he does is guess what needs they’re trying to meet – food and fun – and proposes a new strategy that works for both of them.

Things get more complicated when we’re a part of the conflict because we’re usually attached to the strategy we came up with to meet our needs.

In order to be able to even imagine that other strategies are possible, we need empathy.

Empathy helps us speak our truth with care to ourselves.

Empathy is an acknowledgment of needs and feelings. It is the balm we need when we’re worried those needs won’t be met.

We can give empathy to ourselves or we can receive it from others.

Once we’ve gotten empathy, we’re usually happy to consider other strategies, sometimes we can even simply let go of our strategy. We can still remain committed to meeting the needs underneath that strategy.

Then, we connect with the other people involved in the conflict, figure out what needs are important to them, and co-create an alternate strategy that meets everyone’s needs and leads to win/win outcomes.

This is how to transform a conflict into a dilemma.