Keynote Speaker, Parenting Coach
Practical strategies for preventing conflicts and repairing ruptures
with children
Inspiring parents to speak the truth with care
Keynote Speaker,
Parenting Coach
Practical strategies for preventing conflicts and repairing ruptures
with children
Inspiring parents to speak
the truth with care
Practical strategies for preventing conflicts and repairing ruptures with children
Keynote Speaker, Parenting Coach
Inspiring parents to speak the truth with care
Speak Truth with Care to Move from Rupture to Repair
Assembled by Lisa Rothman, keynote speaker and parenting coach
The information shared in this program is based on the work of
Arnina Kashtan, Inbal Kashtan, Miki Kashtan and Marshall Rosenberg
Speak Truth with Care to Move
from Rupture to Repair
Assembled by Lisa Rothman, keynote speaker and parenting coach
The information shared in this program is based on the work of Arnina Kashtan, Inbal Kashtan, Miki Kashtan and Marshall Rosenberg
Speak Truth with Care to Move from
Rupture to Repair
Assembled by Lisa Rothman, keynote speaker and
parenting coach
The information shared in this program is based on the work of Arnina Kashtan, Inbal Kashtan, Miki Kashtan and Marshall Rosenberg
Additional Resources
Additional Resources
Books and Essays:
Books and Essays:
Parenting for the Present and Future by Inbal Kashtan This extraordinary collection of writings is available on a gift economy basis. It provides clear explanations and sample dialogues.
Parenting for the Present and Future by Inbal Kashtan This extraordinary collection of writings is available on a gift economy basis. It provides clear explanations and sample dialogues.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Collaborative Parenting with Small Children
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2 – 7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2 – 7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King
Strategies for Being Less Reactive
Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chödrön
Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chödrön
Teaching Empathy and Collaborative Communication to Children
Repairing Sibling Conflicts
Parenting for the Present and Future by Inbal Kashtan There is a helpful essay and role play about a sibling conflict in this collection.
Parenting for the Present and Future by Inbal Kashtan There is a helpful essay and role play about a sibling conflict in this collection.
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Parenting Workshops and Family Conflict Resolution Services
Why Conflicts Happen
Why Conflicts Happen
Why Conflicts Happen
Collaborative Communication is based on the premise that human beings of all ages have a lot in common. We all have the same needs even if we have different ways of meeting them. A need is something that’s important to me that’s also important to you and everyone else.
Collaborative Communication is based on the premise that human beings of all ages have a lot in common. We all have the same needs even if we have different ways of meeting them. A need is something that’s important to me that’s also important to you and everyone else.
Some of those needs are physical, like the need for air, water and food.
Some of those needs are physical, like the need for air, water and food.
Some of those needs are about finding meaning, like the need for learning. We also have needs for freedom, like the need for autonomy and choice and needs for connection, like the need to be heard, to be understood and to belong.
Some of those needs are about finding meaning, like the need for learning. We also have needs for freedom, like the need for autonomy and choice and needs for connection, like the need to be heard, to be understood and to belong.
Our needs are never in conflict.
Our needs are never in conflict.
For example, my need for food is never in conflict with your need for food.
For example, my need for food is never in conflict with your need for food.
It’s the strategies that we use to meet those needs that are in conflict.
It’s the strategies that we use to meet those needs that are in conflict.
Scenario: There’s only one chocolate chip cookie.
Scenario: There’s only one chocolate chip cookie.
Brother: “I want it.”
Sister: “No. I want it!”
Brother: “I want it.”
Sister: “No. I want it!”
Brother and sister are both strongly attached to their strategy to eat the last chocolate chip cookie. The more Brother tries to get Sister to let go of her strategy, the harder she resists. And vice versa.
Brother and sister are both strongly attached to their strategy to eat the last chocolate chip cookie. The more Brother tries to get Sister to let go of her strategy, the harder she resists. And vice versa.
The only way to resolve this conflict is to invite them to get in touch with the need that they have in common.
The only way to resolve this conflict is to invite them to get in touch with the need that they have in common.
Dad: “It sounds like both of you are hungry for something that’s fun to eat. How about you split the cookie and also have some apple and peanut butter?”
Dad: “It sounds like both of you are hungry for something that’s fun to eat. How about you split the cookie and also have some apple and peanut butter?”
In this scenario, Dad is outside the conflict so it’s relatively easy for him to help resolve it. All he does is guess what needs they’re trying to meet – food and fun – and proposes a new strategy that works for both of them.
In this scenario, Dad is outside the conflict so it’s relatively easy for him to help resolve it. All he does is guess what needs they’re trying to meet – food and fun – and proposes a new strategy that works for both of them.
Things get more complicated when we’re a part of the conflict because we’re usually attached to the strategy we came up with to meet our needs.
Things get more complicated when we’re a part of the conflict because we’re usually attached to the strategy we came up with to meet our needs.
In order to be able to even imagine that other strategies are possible, we need empathy.
In order to be able to even imagine that other strategies are possible, we need empathy.
Empathy helps us speak our truth with care to ourselves.
Empathy helps us speak our truth with care to ourselves.
Empathy is an acknowledgment of needs and feelings. It is the balm we need when we’re worried those needs won’t be met.
Empathy is an acknowledgment of needs and feelings. It is the balm we need when we’re worried those needs won’t be met.
We can give empathy to ourselves or we can receive it from others.
We can give empathy to ourselves or we can receive it from others.
Once we’ve gotten empathy, we’re usually happy to consider other strategies, sometimes we can even simply let go of our strategy. We can still remain committed to meeting the needs underneath that strategy.
Once we’ve gotten empathy, we’re usually happy to consider other strategies, sometimes we can even simply let go of our strategy. We can still remain committed to meeting the needs underneath that strategy.
Then, we connect with the other people involved in the conflict, figure out what needs are important to them, and co-create an alternate strategy that meets everyone’s needs and leads to win/win outcomes.
Then, we connect with the other people involved in the conflict, figure out what needs are important to them, and co-create an alternate strategy that meets everyone’s needs and leads to win/win outcomes.
This is how to transform a conflict into a dilemma.
This is how to transform a conflict into a dilemma.
Here’s a broad overview of a process to do that.
Here’s a broad overview of a process to do that.
The Four Cs for Conflict Prevention and Resolution
The Four Cs for Conflict Prevention and Resolution
The Four Cs for Conflict Prevention and Resolution
1. Create Space
2. Connect with Self
3. Connect with Others
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
1. Create Space
2. Connect with Self
3. Connect with Others
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
1. Create Space
2. Connect with Self
3. Connect with Others
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
Here’s a more detailed explanation of what happens in each step.
Here’s a more detailed explanation of what happens in each step.
Here’s a more detailed explanation of what happens in each step.
1. Create Space
Without Escalation
- “What’s happening is hard for me.”
-or-
- “That’s hard for me to hear.”
-and-
- “I need some time to figure out why.”
2. Connect With Self
- What strategy am I attached to?
- How do I feel when I imagine not getting my way? Mad? Worried? Sad?
- Why do I feel that way? What’s important to me?
- Have I given myself enough empathy to consider other strategies?
- If not, have someone else give me empathy
- Am I ready to consider other strategies?
- Do I feel confident I won’t let go of what’s important to me?
1. Create Space
Without Escalation
- “What’s happening is hard for me.”
-or-
- “That’s hard for me to hear.”
-and-
- “I need some time to figure out why.”
2. Connect With Self
- What strategy am I attached to?
- How do I feel when I imagine not getting my way? Mad? Worried? Sad?
- Why do I feel that way? What’s important to me?
- Have I given myself enough empathy to consider other strategies?
- If not, have someone else give me empathy
- Am I ready to consider other strategies?
- Do I feel confident I won’t let go of what’s important to me?
1. Create Space
Without Escalation
- “What’s happening is hard for me.”
-or-
- “That’s hard for me to hear.”
-and-
- “I need some time to figure out why.”
2. Connect With Self
- What strategy am I attached to?
- How do I feel when I imagine not getting my way? Mad? Worried? Sad?
- Why do I feel that way? What’s important to me?
- Have I given myself enough empathy to consider other strategies?
- If not, have someone else give me empathy
- Am I ready to consider other strategies?
- Do I feel confident I won’t let go of what’s important to me?
If so, I’m ready to…
If so, I’m ready to…
If so, I’m ready to…
3. Connect With Others
Find out what’s important to them; i.e., what need(s) is the other person trying to meet?
3. Connect With Others
Find out what’s important to them; i.e., what need(s) is the other person trying to meet?
3. Connect With Others
Find out what’s important to them; i.e., what need(s) is the other person trying to meet?
We have transformed the conflict into a dilemma.
We have transformed the conflict into a dilemma.
We have transformed the conflict into a dilemma.
It’s time to…
It’s time to…
It’s time to…
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
That integrates what’s important to me and what’s important to everyone else
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
That integrates what’s important to me and what’s important to everyone else
4. Co-Create a New Strategy
That integrates what’s important to me and what’s important to everyone else
Here’s a list of needs to jumpstart the process:
Here’s a list of needs to jumpstart the process:
Here’s a list of needs to jumpstart the process:
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important To Parents
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important To Parents
Safety
Rest
Food that contributes to health
Peace of Mind
Appreciation
Respect
Contribution
Effectiveness
Safety
Rest
Food that
contributes to health
Peace of Mind
Appreciation
Respect
Contribution
Effectiveness
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important to Children
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important to Children
Choice
Power
Autonomy
Choice
Power
Autonomy
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important to Everyone
Needs that Usually Feel Most Important to Everyone
Being held with care
Being seen
Being understood
Belonging
Acceptance
Self expression
Connection
Mutuality
Being Valued
Learning
Inclusion
Fun
Ease
Being held with care
Being seen
Being understood
Belonging
Acceptance
Self expression
Connection
Mutuality
Being Valued
Learning
Inclusion
Fun
Ease