Map
the Gap
Stop Repeating the Same Family Conflicts
In this free Mapping the Gap —From Family Conflict to Clarity workshop, you’ll learn how to uncover what’s really driving a recurring conflict with someone in your family—and how to start transforming it into collaboration.
Most participants bring conflicts with their children, but the same process works for conflicts with partners, parents, siblings, and other relatives as well.
Most families don’t need more rules, imposed consequences, or lectures.
They need a way to understand what’s actually happening inside the conflict.
In this live, online workshop, the intent is for you to:
- identify the hidden dynamics driving a recurring conflict
- understand what you and your child actually want
- see why the strategies you’ve been using haven’t worked
- begin discovering solutions that work better for everyone
Free live workshop. Recording provided to everyone who registers.
This workshop is offered live each month. Click below to see upcoming dates and reserve your spot.
You’ll be taken to Eventbrite to complete registration.
Most Family Conflicts Persist for One Reason
We try to solve them before we fully understand them.
Parents often jump straight into strategies:
- enforcing consequences they’ve come up with
- explaining more clearly
- negotiating compromises
- trying harder to stay calm
But if the deeper dynamics of the conflict aren’t clear, all these strategies usually make things worse.
Mapping the Gap is a structured process for stepping back and understanding the larger context in which the conflict is happening.
When you map the gap between you and the other person, you begin to see larger themes about:
- what matters to you
- what matters to the other person
- where your current strategies aren’t working
- what might actually move the situation forward
Many parents say that simply mapping the gap changes how they see the entire situation.
What We‘ll Do Together
In this interactive workshop you will:
- bring a real family conflict you are currently experiencing (with a child, partner, parent, sibling, or other relative)
- map its larger context step by step
- identify patterns that keep the conflict stuck
- begin seeing possible paths toward collaboration
This is not a lecture.
It’s a practical process you can immediately apply to your own family.
This is the same process I use when working privately with families.
What Mapping the Gap Looks Like in a Real Family
Here’s an example from a family I worked with.
The issue seemed simple.
Chores.
Brandi would ask Lennon to help around the house—especially with dishes.
But one Saturday night she walked into the kitchen ready to make dinner and found a crusty mac-and-cheese pan still sitting in the sink from lunch.
And where was Lennon?
Playing video games on the sofa.
When he did do the chores, Brandi felt like he rushed through them just to get back to those video games.
Both of them were frustrated.
Brandi felt like she had to nag constantly.
Lennon felt like he had no real choice.
The conflict kept repeating.
Starting With the Vision
Instead of jumping straight into solutions, we started somewhere different.
I asked Brandi a question she had never asked before:
“What does your son want in relation with you?”
She paused.
“I’ve never asked him.”
So we asked Lennon.
Before he answered, Brandi shared what she wanted in their relationship.
She wanted an ongoing connection with her son.
She wanted him to know she was someone he could always come to.
She wanted him to know how to make choices for himself that served him and others.
And she wanted him to develop the life skills he’d need as an adult.
Many parents want something very similar.
Understanding the Real Conflict
Next we mapped the deeper dynamics of the conflict.
What emerged was that Brandi had an incentive system for chores and homework. If Lennon didn’t do what she wanted him to do, he didn’t get to play video games. If he did, she gave him money.
I pointed out to her that incentive systems actually work against people learning how to make choices for themselves. She saw the truth of that immediately and said, “Because if they don’t get the incentive, they’re not going to do it.”
This prompted Lennon to complain that she hadn’t given him the $10 she owed him.
Moving From Power Struggle to Collaboration
Once Brandi understood how she was working against her own vision for Lennon, something shifted.
Instead of arguing about who was right, they began looking for strategies that could work better for both of them. Lennon was no longer distracted by the incentive system and reflected on how he wanted to contribute to the household.
Within about ten minutes of collaborative problem solving, they reached a new agreement.
Lennon was happy to do the dishes if pans with sticky food were left to soak.
He was willing to help with laundry as long as the clothes were sorted clearly.
And he agreed to help with younger siblings as part of contributing to the household.
What Happened Next
The agreement worked.
Lennon honored it.
And the family created a new habit – which was essential because Brandi no longer had the incentive system to rely on for enforcement.
They now hold a regular family meeting where everyone checks in about how things are going — and they end the meeting with an ice-cream celebration.
The conflict that once created tension in the household became an opportunity for collaboration.
What Parents Often Discover
“The Mapping the Gap workshop was eye-opening for me—especially hearing my daughter tell me (strongly) what she wants from our relationship.
I had no idea.
She was also surprised by what I want from our relationship. She’d thought I wanted control for control’s sake.
I’m curious what changes this new perspective will bring.”
Rita Emmer, St. Louis, MO
Experience the Process Yourself
In the Mapping the Gap workshop, you’ll apply this same process to a conflict in your own family.
Many parents say this is the first time they’ve been able to step outside the argument and truly understand what’s happening.
If the next session doesn’t fit your schedule, you’ll see additional upcoming dates when you register.
Mapping the Gap Is the First Step In a Larger Process
This workshop introduces the first step in the Family Conflict Transformation Series.
After Mapping the Gap, the series continues with three additional weekly workshops exploring:
Workshop 2: Connecting with Self
The Inner Work of Conflict Repair
Learn how empathy (feelings + needs) helps you move out of fear, urgency, and old stories so new options become visible.
Workshop 3: Connecting with Others
Find Out What Matters Beyond Right & Wrong
Practice curiosity-based conversations that help others feel seen without requiring agreement or surrender.
Workshop 4: Co-Creating New Strategies
Agreements That Work Better for Everyone
Turn conflicts into solvable dilemmas by brainstorming strategies that meet shared needs and planning how to revisit them over time.
You are welcome to attend Mapping the Gap on its own. It’s free.
After the workshop, you’ll have the option to continue with the full series if it feels supportive.
Why Most Conflict Advice Doesn’t Work
Many parents arrive at this workshop feeling like they’ve tried everything.
You’ve tried consequences.
You’ve tried explaining more clearly.
You’ve tried staying calm.
You’ve tried being the “nice parent” and the “firm parent.”
And yet the same conflicts keep repeating.
That’s not because you’re doing parenting wrong.
It’s often because the solutions we’re given are built on the same underlying assumption:
That parents make decisions for their children rather than with them.
When decisions are made for someone instead of with them, something important happens.
Children often feel:
- dismissed
- disempowered
- unheard
And when people feel that way, they respond in very human ways.
They resist.
They withdraw.
They sneak around the rule.
Or they push back harder.
Parents then respond by tightening control, which creates even more resistance.
Soon both sides feel frustrated and misunderstood.
What began as a simple problem becomes an ongoing power struggle.
Many parenting approaches produce short-term compliance but long-term conflict.
A Different Approach: Power-With Instead of Power-Over
The work we do in this workshop begins from a different starting point.
Instead of trying to control behavior, we focus on understanding what actually matters to everyone involved.
When parents:
- stay connected to their own needs
- welcome their child’s perspective with curiosity
- and work together to find solutions that take everyone into account,
something powerful happens.
Trust grows.
Cooperation becomes possible.
And conflicts that once felt impossible begin to shift.
This is the foundation of the process you’ll experience in Mapping the Gap.
This Workshop Is For Parents Who…
- care deeply about their relationships with their children
- feel stuck in recurring conflicts
- want tools that go beyond punishment, lectures, or giving in
- believe family conflict can become an opportunity for growth
No prior training is required.
Just bring a situation you’d like to understand better.
Conflicts Families Often Bring to Mapping the Gap
You don’t need to come with the “perfect” conflict.
Many parents bring situations that look like these.
Screen Time Battles
You set limits.
Your child argues, negotiates, or sneaks more time.
You worry about their well-being and their future.
They feel controlled and misunderstood.
Soon every conversation about screens turns into a fight.
Homework and School Struggles
You know your child is capable of more.
You try reminders, encouragement, consequences, and sometimes lectures.
Your child shuts down or insists they’ll do it later.
Both of you end the evening frustrated.
Chores That Never Happen
You ask for help around the house.
Your child agrees in theory… but somehow nothing changes.
You feel like you’re constantly reminding or nagging.
Your child feels pressured and annoyed.
Bedtime Conflicts
You want your child to get enough sleep.
They want more time for games, friends, or independence.
The nightly routine becomes a negotiation or a standoff.
Struggles with Teenagers
Curfews.
Phone use.
Friendships.
Privacy.
You want to contribute to your child and guide them.
They want autonomy and trust.
Both your needs are real — and often the strategies that you are using to meet them collide.
Repeating Arguments
Sometimes the issue itself isn’t even the biggest problem anymore.
It’s the pattern.
The same argument happens again and again.
Both of you already know how the conversation will end.
And neither of you likes it.
Conflicts with a Partner
You and your partner keep having the same argument about parenting, responsibilities, or time.
Each of you feels unheard.
The conversation goes in circles.
Conflicts with Parents or Siblings
Old family dynamics keep resurfacing.
You want a different kind of relationship, but conversations quickly fall into familiar patterns.
You leave interactions feeling frustrated or misunderstood.
Although many participants come to work on conflicts with their children, the Mapping the Gap process can be applied to any important family relationship.
“In a mood approaching despair about a domestic dispute, I attended the Mapping The Gap workshop. Later that evening, with what I’d learned I opened a fresh discussion. Almost instantly my partner and I found agreement, restored companionship and revived hope. Marvellous!”
Stephen, Edinburgh, Scotland
About Lisa
Lisa Rothman is a conflict prevention and repair specialist who helps families transform recurring conflicts into collaboration.
Her work focuses on helping parents and children:
- understand what truly matters to each other
- repair ruptures when they occur
- create agreements that actually work
She has taught workshops internationally and supports families who want both connection and clarity in their relationships.
What Begins to Change When Families Learn This Process
Families don’t become conflict-free.
Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of family life.
But the experience of conflict changes dramatically.
Instead of feeling like a battle, conflict becomes a problem families learn how to solve together.
Before
Conflicts escalate quickly.
Parents feel like they have to choose between being too strict or too permissive.
Children feel controlled or dismissed.
The same arguments repeat again and again.
Everyone leaves the conversation feeling frustrated or hurt.
After
Parents understand what matters to them and what matters to their child.
Children feel heard and taken seriously.
Conversations become more curious and collaborative.
Families develop agreements that actually work.
Repair after conflict becomes possible.
And the same argument stops repeating.
Ready to begin?
Join an upcoming Mapping the Gap workshop and take the first step toward transforming family conflict.