Case Study: Leah, Perry, and Oliver
To refresh your memory…
- Leah is the mom
- Perry is the dad
- Oliver is their son who is in fifth grade
Leah, Perry and Oliver had a family meeting where they realized they had four screen time conflicts.
Here are the agreements they came to:
- Perry agreed to stop watching news on weekend mornings
- YouTube went off the television and is only on Oliver’s iPad, which has a 30 minute limit
- They were going to get more board games and comic book making supplies so Perry would have something to do in the afternoon besides be on a screen
- They would wait to talk about when Oliver would get a phone until not having one was having a significant negative impact on him
A few weeks after their first family meeting, Leah sent me this letter.
The session landed in so many ways for us. I think the biggest gift there is may be the clarity on the phone conversation, and that Oliver can be honest with us about when he feels there is significant negative impact from not having a phone. He is still creating good habits with his watch phone. So much more peace about this.
The area that is the biggest challenge has been tv watching time. It is out of my own permissiveness when I feel uncomfortable, sometimes not holding Oliver to the hours we agreed upon. I can have compassion for myself here… and for him. It is so easy in summer, and sometimes fun, to enjoy extra movies or video games with friends.
A celebration is Youtube is off the main tv, and back to 30 minutes daily.
We appreciate the help you gave us so much!
I am delighted to know you can be a continued resource for us if and when we need more support.
With warmth and deep gratitude for your time and skill,
Leah
I checked in with them a few months later and learned that the issue of how much total time Oliver is on the screen each day still did not feel settled for Leah and — to a lesser extent — Perry.
So we had a second family meeting. Below are some excerpts. I started by asking who wanted to start. Perry, the dad, said that he and Oliver wanted Leah to start.
Me: I’m curious, why do you want her to start so much, Perry?
Perry: Well, I mean, Leah has initiated this and I tend to jump in too quickly and I’ve learned to be less jumpy. So I want Leah to start.
Me: So you have a sense that you take up a lot of space and so you wanna make sure that Leah gets to express herself.
Perry: Yes, absolutely.
Me: Leah, was that your sense of why he wanted you to talk first?
Leah: No.
Me: Isn’t that interesting? Leah, what was the story you had about why he wanted you to talk first?
Leah: Because it’s my responsibility to manage these things and if I wanna have this appointment, then I need to do the talking.
Me: Does that story seem at all true to you, Perry?
Perry: No, that’s not even close to what I was thinking.
Me: Let’s sit right there with that. Leah, how is that for you to hear?
Leah: There’s a part of me that’s still skeptical about it. I feel such a sense of burden with this. If I’m not the one considering it or managing it, Oliver will be on the screen for 8 to 10 to 12 hours.
Me: So you feel lonely and that you are the only holder of the issue in the house and you’re really longing for more of a sense of co-holding and companionship from both Perry and from Oliver?
Leah: Yeah.
Me: And there’s some way where you haven’t had a sense that Perry and Oliver are prioritizing this in the same way that you are. Does this signify to you that they are also not taking the alarm you feel as seriously as you take it? And so that’s further isolating for you?
Leah: Yes but I don’t even know that it’s so awful that Oliver watches screens as much as he does. I’m watching Oliver developing and he works so hard in school all week. And he plays with friends when there are opportunities. I love that. And he manages everything on his own.
Me: Leah, if you could wave a wand and have a sense of co-holding and companionship what would that look like? Perry and Oliver want some guidance.
Leah: I think one thing that could really help me is if we’re not gonna do the agreement that we just name it.
Me: You want the person who is making the change to the agreement to be the one who calls it. I’m thinking that you would then have relief. Like you’re not the only one who is tracking it anymore.
Leah: Yes. Then everyone’s tracking. And it’s a conscious choice. Because I don’t want to force people into agreements and be like, “You said so, you have to.”
Perry: I don’t have a problem with any agreements, but what I’m having a really big problem with is I’m trying to understand why we’re doing this. Because I hear Leah express concern for Oliver’s mental wellbeing, but at the same time, we’re well aware that Oliver’s mental wellbeing seems absolutely fine. So I wanna respect why Leah wants to do this, but in order for me to support her, I need to be on board with why we’re doing this.
Me: Okay, so there’s a lot packed into what you just said. I wanna reflect back some of the threads and then address each of them because I’m also imagining some of what you said might’ve been hard for Leah to hear. You don’t wanna do things that are arbitrary. If you do things, you really wanna understand why you’re doing them and you wanna make sure that they’re effective.
Oliver: Yes, 100%, that’s an accurate summary.
Me: Okay, the part that I have a hunch was hard for Leah to hear was when you said that if you were going to “support” Leah in this. To my ears, that sounds like she’s the one who has to lead everything, because of the way you frame that in terms of “supporting her.” It’s like she’s the de facto boss about all this.
And you’re willing to support the boss provided she’s not pathologizing Oliver but her pain is that she’s sick of being the leader. She wants all three of you to be in leadership together, holding it together. Does that make sense, Perry?
Perry: It does, I hadn’t thought of that.
Oliver: It makes sense to me too.
Me: So I want all three of you, as co-leaders, to come up with agreements about screens and your house that work for all three of you and that all three of you are invested in.
And that’s what we spent the next 40 minutes doing.
Here are some of the new agreements they made:
- When Leah is freaking out that Oliver is watching too much screen time, she’s going to be curious with herself about the underlying assumptions that are driving her fears
- Perry is going to figure out how to build more breaks into his day so he doesn’t resort to watching six-minute excerpts of the Sopranos before bed which he finds mindless and agitating
- On weekends, Oliver is going to start listening to an audiobook at 9pm instead of mindlessly scrolling through screens until 11pm
And here’s the most important agreement they made…
Me: Oliver, what do you think about being the person who checks in with everyone about how they’re feeling about their screen use in general and these agreements in particular?
Oliver: Okay.
Me: When would that be?
Oliver: Saturday night dinner.
Me: And you’ll take the lead to bring it up?
Oliver: Yeah. I will. Definitely.
We ended the conversation with Perry thanking Leah for taking the initiative and committing to co-hold what happens next with her and Oliver.
I checked in with them one more time and that’s what’s happened.