5 Step
Family Conflict Prevention Plan
For the Holidays

All Access

Bookmark This Page and Reference It As Needed

Here’s a link to information about the free Family Conflict Hotline Calls

Here’s a link to learn more about the Private Coaching Holiday Special available until the end of the year

Here’s a link to the infographic of the 5 Step Family Conflict Prevention Plan for the Holidays

And, without further ado, here are all the videos with questions to ask yourself to help with implementing them.

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Step 1. Consult with everyone

Most conflicts happen because the people who are impacted by decisions haven’t been asked to give their input. As you plan your holiday, check in with everyone involved including your kids, and the dog. When family members trust they matter, everyone gets along better.

Who do you need to check in with?

What’s important to them about what you all do this holiday season as a family?

Step 2. Integrate what’s important to everyone

Although this is easier said than done, there are a few concepts that make it possible. Focus on needs rather than clinging to strategies. Check for willingness rather than pursuing preference. Avoid the “fairness” trap and compromising on anything that’s important to you or anyone else. Meeting in the middle is usually a recipe for more conflict.

To recap, the five concepts that help with Integration are:

      1. Focus on needs rather than clinging to strategies
      2. Avoid compromise
      3. Invite people to let go of their preferences and stretch into willingness
      4. It’s not about what’s fair. Look for what the needs are and what’s possible.
      5. Speak truth with care to yourself and others

Step 3. Speak truth with care to yourself

Many people overstretch because they feel guilty or don’t want to face the consequences of saying, “No. I don’t want to do that.” Then they absorb the negative impact until they explode. Instead, connect with yourself and be honest with yourself about your limits before you’re at the end of your rope.

What are you concerned you might say “yes” to this holiday season that you actually don’t have the capacity for?

What is stopping you from saying “no”?

Step 4. Speak Truth with care to others

Be ready with a reply when your dad says, “Don’t you think the kids have watched enough screen for today?” You want to express yourself authentically without making the conflict worse. “That’s hard for me to hear” is a simple, yet effective way to start.

The Magic Sentence Starter: “This is hard for me to hear…”

What is likely going to be said this holiday season that will be hard for you to hear?

What makes it hard for you?

How could you share that with the person in a connected way?

What You Can Say when Your Brother-In-Law Serves Up His Views on Gun Control while Carving the Turkey
“This is hard for me to hear. I’m getting how passionately you feel about this issue. I have strong opinions too and the gap between how you see the world and how I see it is very wide and I think it’s highly unlikely we are going to convince each other to see the world differently. It’s very special for me to have time with you and I really want us to connect. So I’m wondering if you are up for changing the subject or if you’d be willing to share a story from your past about why this issue matters to you so much.”
An Email You Could Send Before the Gathering
I cherish the time we spend together over the holidays. I’m writing because I want it to be as peaceful and connected as possible. We have strong differences of opinion about a lot of issues and I notice that when we get together, we get into arguments about them. Since what I most want with you is connection and I think it’s highly unlikely that either of us is going to get the other person to change their mind, I’m wondering if you’d be open to doing an experiment with me. We could either limit what we talk about to noncontroversial topics or if we talk about them, we could share stories from our lives about why we feel as passionately about them as we do. Would that work for you?”

Step 5. Line up support

When you need help in the moment, ask for it. This will be most likely to meet your needs if you line it up in advance. Identify your allies around the dinner table and tell them before the meal starts what they can do to be supportive. Have someone ready pick up your call, listen to your rant, and give you some new ideas you’re too entangled in the situation to see.

Who are your allies at the dinner table?

Who isn’t going to be there who you could get in touch with?

Who could you ask to listen on your behalf to the things you don’t want to directly engage with?

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Free Family Conflict Hotline Calls Holiday Edition

Whether you’re concerned about a fight breaking out in the backseat on that long road trip or your brother-in-law serving up his views on gun control while carving the turkey, we’ve got you covered.

You can get real-time support implementing your 5 Step Family Conflict Prevention Plan this holiday season in these free, virtual, 60-minute group sessions.

For those of you in the United States, there’s even one on Thanksgiving morning.

Remember, you're not alone. Let's work through this together!

Sunday, November 24th

10:30am Pacific Time

Thursday, November 28th

9am Pacific Time

Sunday, December 8th

10:30am Pacific Time

Saturday, December 14th

9am Pacific Time

Sunday, December 22nd

10:30am Pacific Time

10:30am Pacific Time

9am Pacific Time

10:30am Pacific Time

9am Pacific Time

10:30am Pacific Time

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Register for the free calls here

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Private Coaching
Holiday Special

Private Coaching Holiday Special

Would you like additional support in preventing family conflicts this holiday season tailored to your unique situation?

I’d be delighted to provide that to you and any family members who would like to join us.

Here’s what you can expect in a one-hour session:

  • Customized support implementing the five steps of the family conflict prevention plan 
  • Clarity about what you want this holiday season in terms of care and connection
  • Strategic problem solving
  • Role play practice so you feel confident going into the situation that concerns you
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Orla

“Just one short session with Lisa gave me a whole new perspective on an ongoing conflict within our household. Lisa helped me to see that this was a beautiful opportunity for growth and self-reflection as well as shifting my beliefs around the conflict. She held me nonjudgementally and passionately as we dived deep”

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Jessica Bradshaw

“My relationship with my daughter was forever changed by the work we did. My daughter trusts me now and we seldom have conflicts anymore. Our relationship is now really open and great.”

It’s entirely possible that one session is all you’ll need. You’ll have a clear plan to use now and into the future for family trips and gatherings.

If you’d like additional sessions, simply sign up for more. This offer is available through the end of the year.

$100 for a 60-minute session – which is $25 less than the lowest amount I usually request for private coaching.
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Sign me up

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Would you like to give this as a gift to someone else?

Email me (lisa@lisarothman.com) and we’ll make arrangements so they can determine if they’d like to work with me before you purchase a gift certificate for them.

Acknowledgements
If I credited my dear friend, colleague, and teacher Miki Kashtan every time I shared something that I learned from her or was inspired by her, I would be saying her name a ridiculous number of times. You can learn more about what she does here and here. I hope that you will because she and the people she collaborates with are endeavoring to do on a global scale what I am endeavoring to do within families.

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